Your friends are like your car’s tires!

Recently a friend posed an interesting question: How do you identify your true friends from the numerous people you consider as friends? She went on to answer her question by saying that true friends are those who stand by you in your difficult times. She shared some examples of her own friends who had supported her in moments of tremendous stress and difficulty, sometimes sacrificing their own comfort and convenience to do so. She further said that the people with whom you have parties and share good times are not necessarily your true friends.

Most people would agree with my friend's observations without any hesitation. We do indeed need friends to support us in our bad times. I certainly value every one of those people who stood by me during the rough times of my life. These are the people I trust the most and I am extremely grateful for their integrity and the loyalty that they have shown me.

However, is it wise to completely discount the people who were there with us during the good times? There is a colloquial expression for a person who is there with you only during your good times. We call them 'fair-weather friends'. These are the people who are only present when things are going well, but disappear or are less available when challenges arise. The implication is that they are unreliable and do not deserve to be called our friends.

I agree that we should not rely on 'fair-weather friends' to provide us with necessary support and assistance during 'foul-weather' conditions. Doing so would be sheer naivety. However, does that mean that 'fair-weather friends' are useless? Not necessarily. While we may not turn to them for support during difficult times, they often provide us with useful companionship and levity in moments of joy and contentment. We may or may not decide to call them "our true friends," but they still do enrich our lives by providing us with many memorable positive experiences in life.

Friends are like our car tires. They both provide support and help us move forward through our life's journeys. And there are many types of tires as there are many types of friends. All of them have their own unique roles to play. For example, there are Summer tires - let's use them as a metaphor for fair-weather friends - which are primarily designed for high-performance vehicles and provide optimized dry and wet performance levels in a temperate environment. Rather than being useless, these tires serve the great purpose of giving us a wonderful ride and experience on warm and sunny days.

Then we have the Winter tires - the metaphor for our dependable foul-weather friends. We depend on these tires to smoothly traverse through the slippery and icy road conditions of the Winter. While the Winter tires work great in snowy and icy conditions, they are not ideal for the Summer months. When used in the Summer, they tend to wear out faster, reduce fuel efficiency, and make your car less responsive and grippy, especially at high speeds. In other words, these tires just don't provide the same joyous experience as the Summer tires do during the metaphorical 'sunny times' of our lives.

So, we do need both fair- and foul-weather friends in our lives. Some people - for example, those high on the extraversion personality dimension - make for excellent company during the good times, while others - for example, those high on the agreeableness and conscientiousness personality dimensions - make for highly dependable friends during bad times.

We may wish that all our friends were like all-season tires, that supposedly provide the best of both worlds - reliable performance in all weather conditions and great comfort. However, any tire expert will tell you that all-season tires are more of a compromise than an ideal solution for varying driving conditions. The same goes for our friends too. Our all-weather friends may stay with us through thick and thin, but what they offer may not be optimal in all situations. And that may not be because of their lack of loyalty or commitment. Instead, they may simply lack the unique capabilities and temperament that made somebody else a perfect fit for a certain life-situation.

In conclusion, true friendship goes beyond being there during our difficulties. We need both fair-weather and foul-weather friends. They both have important roles to play in our lives. Rather than looking down upon our fair-weather friends, let us appreciate them for magnifying the joyous experiences of our life. Needless to say, let us also thank our foul-weather friends for being a pillar of strength and support during our storms. Both of them enrich our lives in their own unique ways.

Photo credit: Clem Onojeghuo @Unsplash.com

Friendship: The Smart Way to Success & Happiness

When I was in high school, I used to do what we called "joint study" with a friend. My friend and I used to study together to prepare for the entrance examinations that we needed to take to get admission into any good professional program. My friend wanted to pursue a career in engineering and I in medicine. Despite our divergent career goals though, we found great value in working together. The subjects of physics and chemistry were common to both the engineering and medical entrance examinations. So it made sense that we studied those subjects together. However, the subject on which we spent the maximum amount of time was math. Math mattered for engineering but not for medical entrance examinations, but the reason we spent most of our time working on math was simply because we both loved the subject. We loved solving math problems, especially the complex calculus ones. We competed with each other on who could solve these problems faster. Sometimes my friend won and sometimes I, but who won anytime was immaterial. What mattered was that we were having more fun competing with each other than either of us had when we worked alone. And this friendly competition also made us stronger and faster in our problem solving skills.

It was not all work for us though. When we were not working, we of course chatted about girls and fantasized about our possible futures. We also played a lot of chess, and deliberated about the books that we were reading at that point of time. We weren't voracious readers by any means. For example, some of my current friends had read all the major works of Shakespeare and Dickens by the time they completed high school. I had read none of these classics, except for the super-abridged versions that appeared in form of chapters in our English textbook. However, I did read some fascinating books during my high school years because, thanks to the excitement with which my friends described them. Some notable books that I read through this process were Mario Puzo's The Godfather, Charles Berlitz's The Bermuda Triangle, Dale Carnegie's How to Win Friends and Influence People, and yes, of course, David Reuben's Everything You Wanted to Know About Sex: But Were Afraid to Ask. Today I am a fairly voracious reader, and a significant credit for this goes to my cool friends who made reading a "cool" hobby to pursue.

With my classmates from high school during a reunion three years ago (The best time I had in recent years)

Another photo from the high school reunion

Self-help guru Jim Rohn once said that we are the average of the five friends we spend most time with. As a social science researcher, I am often critical of the grandiose claims made by self-help gurus. However, there is a lot of truth in Rohn's observation, if not in the absolute literal sense, because whether we are the average of our five closest friends is an empirical question that Rohn never performed. However, there are innumerable studies in social psychology and organizational behavior demonstrating how strongly we are influenced by the environment we live in, and more specifically by the people we interact with on a regular basis. Our individual levels of knowledge, health, wealth, success and happiness are all deeply intertwined with how our closest friends fair on these parameters.

Dancing with friends from undergraduate days

With my classmates from undergraduate days and the head of our institution

Based on the insights I have gained through my personal experiences and research, I have come to the conclusion that there are two ways of living life: the hard way and the easy way. The hard way is the one we take when we try to build a good habit all by ourselves. It is the method where we rely on our willpower to better ourselves and accomplish a goal. But this is the hard way, because even the strongest among us falter when it comes to our willpower. If you don't believe me, just look back at the number of times you failed in sticking to your New Year's resolutions.

With my Masters degree buddies

So what is the easy way? The easy way is the one we take with our friends. We truly are the company we keep. It may be difficult to pull ourselves out of bed every morning and run for 10 kilometers when we do it all by ourselves, but it is 1000% easier when we do the same with a friend. It is difficult to push ourselves to the limit when we are training by ourselves, but it is easy when we have a friend competing with us. It is difficult to sustain your interest in a hobby when you are doing it by yourself, but it is easy as a breeze when you share that interest with a friend. It is easy to be successful when you have friends to inspire you, push you and learn from.

My classmates and running buddies during PhD

With my music friends during PhD

According to studies conducted by Gallup Inc., at the workplace we are significantly more engaged, productive, happy, and contribute to higher profits for the organization when we work with people we consider close friends. Friendship even makes marriages happier. According to John Gottman, professor emeritus of psychology at the University of Washington, " Happy marriages are based on a deep friendship." The research done by Gottman and his colleagues show that friendship within marriage is five times more strongly associated with happiness in marriage than physical intimacy within marriage.

We all want to be successful and happy in our lives. I have never met a person who wants otherwise. However, foolishly we try to attain these things the hard way. Is it surprising then that we never come close to realizing our full potential? When I reflect back on my life, I certainly have found it easy to achieve things when I worked for them along with my friends. We all get excited at the beginning of our endeavors, but as time passes we find it very difficult to sustain motivation. Friends make it easy to sustain motivation. Let's make use of our friends to enrich each other's lives. Let's choose our friends wisely. And let's nurture these friendships. That is the smartest way to achieving success and happiness in life.

Online vs. Offline Generosity

The previous part of this article is here: Part 1.

Today, I was talking with a friend. She had just bought a house for herself in India. I called her on Skype to congratulate her. She was very happy, and it showed in her voice and eyes. I’m sure her new acquisition contributed a lot to her happiness, especially because she had struggled a lot to own her house—working more than one job, saving every penny for the down payment, and so on so forth. However, as we chatted another interesting story began to emerge which explained part of her happiness. Sure, the ownership of the house brought her happiness, but something else had also contributed to it.

Before my friend moved into her own house, she rented a house, where she had two families living as neighbors. These neighbors were people of very modest means. The women of these families, with whom my friend was friends, tailored clothes from their homes to support their families. Despite their limited financial means, the two women got together and gifted my friend two bean bag chairs for her new house. My friend was very touched by the generosity of her friends. Of course, t was very thoughtful of them to gift her some nice furniture for her new house. However, the fact that they went out of their means made the gift even more special.

My friend narrated about the generosity of many other people as well: one of her colleagues bought her a good music system for her new house. Another offered to buy food for all guests on her housewarming day, because my friend would be too busy with ceremonial duties associated with the housewarming day. These were all so thoughtful gestures by friends.

The greatest thing about such acts of generosity is that you don’t have to be the recipient of such generosity to feel touched; even listening to such stories makes you feel good. That's the power of generosity. Yet, many of us get so caught up in our own self-created, fast-paced lives that we don’t bother to pay attention to the needs of people around us. Many just get satisfied to wish their friends on Facebook, but are not actually present for them.

Certainly, being kind on Facebook is a good thing. According to a recent study done by the Pew Research Center on the behavior of people in social networking sites (SNS), the experience of adults was much more pleasant than that of teens, which is not at all surprising. However, what is surprising the magnitude of the positive experiences of adults using social networking sites. 85% said that their experience on the sites is that people are mostly kind. 68% said they had an experience that made them feel good about themselves. 61% reported feeling closer to another person. 39% said they frequently saw acts of generosity by other SNS users and another 36% say they sometimes see others behaving generously and helpfully.

The above findings show that we all have a generous heart. However, I believe that we should also be careful about not deriving all our satisfaction by being generous only through Likes and Comments on Facebook. It's imperative that we take concrete actions in the brick and mortar world, because ultimately that's the world we live in. Generosity on Facebook is good, but it will appear shallow if it is not supplemented by generosity in real life. Kind actions have to follow our kind words. That's the only way our world will become a better place.

To be continued ...

The Last Post

No, this is not literally my last blog post. However, it is definitely the last post that I am sharing on Facebook.

I have been very fortunate to have a few friends who have followed my blog with active interest and enthusiasm for a long time, some literally from its inception. Many of these friends have regularly expressed their appreciation, and encouraged me to post more. A few have also provided valuable critical feedback periodically. I'm grateful to all these friends for both their appreciative words and their critical comments and emails. Such observations have helped me improve and refine my thinking, writing and singing skills considerably.

Because of these above mentioned reasons, it has always given me a lot of pleasure to share my posts with friends on Facebook. However, I am deciding to not link posts to Facebook anymore, because now I intend to post more regularly on my blog. As I had mentioned in a recent post, I plan to blog daily this month, and hopefully pretty regularly later as well. Linking posts daily on Facebook would clutter people's Facebook walls, and I don't want to do that. It's one thing to share posts on Facebook when you posted once a fortnight. It's completely another thing to do so on on a daily basis, because, of course, not all my Facebook friends are necessarily interested in my blog posts. So, it seems unfair to bombard everyone with a link to a new post daily. Fortunately, it's very easy to keep abreast with any blog these days by subscribing to the RSS feeds, and I hope my friends who are interested in my blog will do that.

Thank you again, my dear friends, for following this blog, and for sharing your honest views with me.

Happy New Year 2011

Dear Friends,

There is an ancient Sanskrit verse that goes:

सन्तोषः परमो लाभः सत्सङ्गः परमा गतिः ।

विचारः परमं ज्ञानं शमो हि परमं सुखम् ॥

Contentment is the highest gain,

Good company the highest course,

Consideration the highest wisdom, and

Peace the highest form of happiness.

Thus, for the new year 2011, I wish everybody contentment, good company, the wisdom to be considerate, and peace. These are surely ideals that will take many years (or rather many lifetimes) to master, but I pray that we all move a little closer towards that ideal this new year.

Happy New Year!!

-paresh

The Power of Touch

I was not planning on writing any poem today, because I wanted to work. But while working, a line popped up in my head, and so I had to pay attention to it. Fortunately, the lines flowed smoothly, and so the poem was done pretty quickly. So, here's another poem from me. I think I will call it, "The Power of Touch."

THE POWER OF TOUCH

There comes a time,

When you cannot climb,

The ladder of life,

Once on which you felt alive.

That is when,

Men and women,

Seek each other,

Father, mother, brother, and sister.

However subtle,

May be my struggle.

It causes stress,

So I need your loving caress.

With the power of touch,

You free the clutch,

Of depressive moods,

That every mind sometimes includes.

Kind words are good,

But wish they could,

Provide solace,

That you feel in a warm embrace.

Thus, give a hug,

For it is a drug.

And be present,

For that will bring all contentment.

So that is it,

In every bit,

When sincere,

A touch can cure, all ills for sure.

Is net surfing bad for you?

This is going to be a short post, and is basically a response to my friends' comments on my last Twit: "Surfing the net is like window shopping—you lose track of time, get nothing, and end up mentally exhausted and wasted." I first thought I will just write a one-line response, but then I realized that I had a little more to say than just a line or two. So, I thought I will use the blogging platform to write up my response. That said, I will still keep my response very short, because I have to get back to my research papers—the deadline for the Academy of Management conference is just four day away.

Before I write my response, I would first like to thank my friends for their comments. Irrespective of whether they agree or disagree with me, I always value their comments. When they agree, they encourage, and when they disagree, they make me think about the matter more deeply; you need good dozes of both in your life. Needless to say, some of my Facebook friends agreed with my statement and some did not. My friend, Ram commented that surfing the net is the "same as surfing TV channels.. choice of sites/channels matters." While I agree with my friend that choice of sites matters, "surfing the net" often ends being a purposeless and mindless activity for me. I do not mean to deny the excellent value that is in the internet. I myself use it extensively in my research. But I am still not very convinced about the benefits of "net surfing"—at least the way I (and I presume, most people) do it.

I have come to view surfing as a very passive activity, where we idly browse through pages on the internet hoping to find something of interest. Merriam-Webster Dictionary's definition of surfing is not very different; according to it "to surf" means to scan the offerings of (television or the Internet) for something of interest. In other words, surfing the net is more like what you do on the website http://www.stumbleupon.com/. Surfing is not the same as a specific web search that we may do on Google for a particular topic of our interest. Thus, when we are surfing the internet, we are not looking for anything particular, and are basically browsing through several uninteresting pages before stumbling on something interesting. Because we were not looking for anything specific, the "interesting" page holds our attention only for a few minutes, but then our mind prompts us to scan for something more interesting, and the surfing continues. I think this is the reason that surfing is often very addicting—as my friend, Anupama pointed out. The process is not very different from gambling, where gamblers tolerate series of losses before they stumble on a win; the win is appealing but then they think that a bigger win may be in store somewhere round the corner, and the gamble continues—exactly the same way as surfing continues for something more interesting. In the end, we rarely find anything interesting enough, and we end up feeling tired and exhausted—the same way as gamblers end up being broke. So, in the year 2010, my resolution is to avoid surfing the net, and get more involved in the time tested ways of relieving boredom: reading books, writing, running, hiking, singing, swimming, and some movie watching.

Tecumseh Update

I finished the Tecumseh Trail Marathon that I had this weekend in 5:02:10. It was a very tough race—lots of steep hills and some slippery slopes (because of the ice on trails). Fortunately, there were no major mishaps, though several runners fell and suffered minor bruises. My friend Nick and I completed the race safely.

Did I achieve my peak performance? I would say YES, even though it took me a lot longer to finish than I had expected. My knee did bother me for most of the race, though not in a debilitating way. It was very strange but I woke up with a knee pain the morning of the marathon; the pain was not on the outside of knee that is related to the IT Band, but on the top inside. It's the first time I experienced it, so not sure what it was. Anyway, the pain went away after some moving around inside my house, but it recurred when I started running the race. So, I had to stop several times during the race to apply some pain relieving gel on my leg. My first stop was before the first mile, and that stop slowed me down significantly, because I fell along with a pack of slower runners. With the majority of the trails being single and narrow, it was very difficult to overtake the slower runners ahead of me. It took me over 21 miles to catch up with Nick. My knees (including the IT Band problem) continued to give me some pain through out the race, but not in a major way—the Arnica gel sure helped. Towards the end of the race, it seemed like I had a lot more energy left in me compared to the other runners running beside me. I never thought I would make a dash to the finish line in a marathon, but that's exactly what I managed to do, and it sure felt great finishing strong. Nick finished six minutes after me, though it was just his first marathon.

Finishing a long and grueling race was exhilarating, but the best part was having friends waiting at the finish line. Our friends, Katie and Ana (Nick's wife) had waited outside for over an hour in the bitter cold to make sure that they don't miss us at the finish line. I was very touched by their gesture. In the end, it's the presence of friends that made the Tecumseh very special. May everyone be blessed with great friends in life.

PS: The Tecumseh was one of the most well organized race I have seen so far. The aid stations were awesome! Kudos to the organizers for putting up such an excellent race, and a huge thanks to the generous volunteers who stood out in the cold all day.

A Runner's View

This Fall, during my runs in and around Bloomington, I had sometimes taken photographs of the surroundings with my cellphone. Today, while taking a look at those pictures, I got an idea: weaving a picture-story out of those snaps. Hope you like it.

(All the pictures used here were taken this Fall and using my cellphone.)

(Note: The above picture is of my running buddy Nick and me, just before the start of the Knobstone Trail Mini Marathon. It was wet and cold like hell, so much so that the person whom we requested to take our picture could not just keep his hands steady.)

Meaning of Life

Your friends make so much of a difference to your lives. Without them, life would be dull, boring, and even meaningless. I feel fortunate to have some really great friends in my life. John Lennon had once said, "I get by with little help from my friends." I don't know in what context he had made that statement; may be he was just being modest. But I "get by" really because of my friends; if I didn't have the support of some of my friends, life would surely have been very miserable for me. It's kind of strange that relationships provide meaning to our life, even though we come alone into this world and will leave alone.

As I write on this blog, several more people continue to lose their lives because of the terror attack in Mumbai. People who were going about their regular life in Mumbai would never have imagined that they would be sprayed with bullets by some crazy terrorists, that they would be lying in a hospital struggling for their lives. In fact, I could have been one of those victims, if I was still working in Mumbai with the Tatas. My office was in the South Mumbai area, I stayed in the same area, and often took night strolls along with my roommates on the same road on which the terrorists went spraying their bullets. Life is so ephemeral! We will never know for sure that we will be alive a moment from now. So, let's make the most out of every moment of our lives; let's rejoice our friendships; let's continue to work towards our livelihood, but not get trapped by the lure of money or the external trappings of success; let's start putting our efforts towards a worthy cause - so we have the satisfaction that we did our bit before leaving this world.

Blogging Resolutions

They say, "A friend is one who believes in you when you have ceased to believe in yourself." I am fortunate to have many such friends in my life. The other day, when I decided to stop blogging, I received quite a few emails, blog comments, and phone calls from my friends asking me not to stop. I never realized my blog had a small but loyal readership.

My friends were generally unhappy that I would stop blogging, but they respected my decision - like all good friends, they had my best interest in mind. Some friends pointed out that I waste a lot of time watching movies - "May be you should cut down on your movies, and not blogging." So it was time to do some more self-reflection. As often happens, "Others had a better insight into my problem than I did myself." True, if I really wanted to invest more time on studies/research, I should have been cutting down on my movie watching first. So, I have decided to watch no more than one movie per week. I have also decided to continue blogging, but with one condition: I will blog only if I am satisfied with my own efforts at work. No hard work - no blogging. Blogging, in other words, would be more like a self-reward for my hardwork. So, if you see a post here on this blog from me, you can be sure I have worked hard enough to earn that privilege (that includes today's post). Thank you.