I never wrote them

Have you ever started writing something without having any clue of what you are going to write? This post is probably going to be one of those writings, because I have a strong urge to write without any idea of what I want to write about. As you can imagine, this is a pretty uncomfortable state. So, whenever I am in such a state, there is an accompanying drive to get rid of that state of discomfort. The drive sometimes makes me hunch on my laptop and poke the keyboard for a couple of hours or more. The outcome is sometimes a bunch of junk that I end up discarding the next day. At other times, the outcome appears so beautiful that I wonder if it was really me who wrote those insightful words. Irrespective of the quality of the outcome, the act of just letting the words flow when one feels the urge to write is definitely a very satisfying experience.

That said words don't always flow well, nor do thoughts, and I end up struggling for hours on a single paragraph. Such struggle can sometimes be so vivid that I subconsciously avoid writing for a while. Although since I became aware of my avoidance behavior, I usually force myself to write, even if it means a painful exertion with disjointed thoughts and words for an hour or two. This can be a very draining exercise, but at the end of it, I still feel happy that I stuck through and did my part of the job.

Ultimately, my experiences with writing have made me realize that writing is not something that I do. Yes, I  always do the physical part of it, but my struggles have also made me aware of the limitations of my writing ability. So, I have no illusions about being a talented writer. Yet sometimes, my writing does connect with people at a deep level. I believe this happens when I am myself connected with an intelligence more profound than mine. This might sound like new agey mumbo jumbo to some, but I can't think of a better explanation of why I sometimes get pleasantly surprised by my own writings--it's as if I never wrote them.